at home

Scientific Management: Decoding the Parent Gene

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“Being happy and finding life meaningful overlap, but there are important differences. A large survey revealed multiple differing predictors of how individuals arrive at happiness (controlling for meaning) and meaningfulness (controlling for happiness). Satisfying one’s needs and wants increased happiness but was largely irrelevant to meaningfulness.

Happiness was largely present-oriented, whereas meaningfulness involves integrating past, present, and future. For example, thinking about future and past was associated with high meaningfulness but low happiness. Happiness was linked to being a taker rather than a giver, whereas meaningfulness went with being a giver rather than a taker. Higher levels of worry, stress, and anxiety were linked to higher meaningfulness but lower happiness. Concerns with personal identity and expressing the self contributed to meaning but not happiness.

In short, one might say that this study finds that the contribution of something meaningful in our, or another’s life requires the sacrifice of personal happiness. What they fail to recognize is the inherent fulfillment and happiness a parent experiences when they contribute meaningfully to their child’s life in any way…regardless of the worry, stress and anxiety that may be involved.

My own conclusion… Parenting defies the laws of science through selflessness.

see-Businessinsider.com/ http://www.businessinsider.com/happy-vs-meaningful-life-2012-11

Face Time: Being 100% Present

I'm learning to enjoy what originally brought me into the restaurant business. My family, my love of food and my appreciation of interesting company. When you are the one serving all the time... as opposed to the one being served, it's a lot like being a deaf musician.

I realize that my life is so much better now and that I’m so blessed to have everything I've ever wanted...everything that's important to me...and yet I still need to learn to relax and enjoy it. It's a strange feeling.

I’m getting better at not feeling as though there is something else I could be doing. Those feelings used to be a great source of stress regardless of how I channeled it or hid it. Not being able to complete a sentence. Not being able to make a phone call or finish a simple task like feeding the dog, folding the laundry or sending an email without this little person demanding my attention. It’s non-stop and as much as I love her, I can now understand the principles behind Chinese water torture. The constant repetition of something so innocuous (like light Bossa Nova or Yani or "Daddy!") over time can drive anyone nuts.

Being valuable meant being productive for so long….now I’m coming to terms with the beauty of things left undone. And in return, I’m able to catch one more of her smiles or share another laugh or just take one extra moment to remind her of how much she’s loved. This little girl wants my attention and should get it (most of the time). She deserves it. She’s already learned that she has me wrapped around her little finger and senses my stress when I’m not able to rush to her upon request but I’m curbing that now and practicing benign neglect (for her benefit more than mine). And as I watch her grow before my eyes, I’m struck with the seasonal nature of life and the fleeting of time. Before I know it, she’ll be 15 and telling me she hates me.

Sources & Uses: Non-Traditional Outlets for Kid Stuff

Being a parent shopping for children's “necessities” like miniature shopping carts or  doll houses can make one feel a bit like an unwitting tourist falling victim to a rapidly changing foreign exchange market. I mean, come on... does miniature plastic fruit really warrant a $69.95 price tag? I recently purchased a build-it-yourself dollhouse. The dolls and miniature furniture to fill it cost almost as much as our real life-sized dining room set.

I ’ve now been finding it very useful to source child-oriented products from non-traditionally child-themed stores.  The impetus for this was my original qualm with paying $8 for what felt like a notebook's-worth of paper that was so narrow, my daughter and her friends couldn’t avoid drawing and painting on the craft table it was intended to cover... and the quality was akin to that of the roll of tissue-paper masquerading as an impenetrable germ barrier protecting our children's naked bodies on doctors' examination tables.

This is a copy of an email I sent to my play-date posse:

FYI for those of you with easels or craft tables: 

HP 24"x150 print rolls are approx 3xs the paper, wider, better quality and

less expensive (even with taking shipping into consideration) per sqft than the Melissa&Doug or ALEX-like brands out there…and require less frequent roll changes.

See below.

Regards,

Josh

Keep Calm

and

Carry On


Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry

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Bottom Line: Committing to Being the Primary Care Giver... and Savoring It

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“Researchers have found that those who have made a strong commitment to an identity tend to be happier and healthier than those who have not. Those with a status of identity diffusion tend to feel out of place in the world and don't pursue a sense of identity.”

Kendra Cherry,

Identity Crisis - Theory and Research

Throughout all of this, I have had several moments of clarity…perhaps it would be more accurate to describe the latest as my great epiphany…not my discovery that industrial rolls of HP print paper are cheaper by the foot than the ALEX or Crayola brands that also fit the Potterybarn Kids Craft Table…it is rather my realization that, although I may continue to rely heavily on the skill sets I learned and honed in my previous jobs; I am really missing out on a tremendous amount of joy and closeness with my daughter by selfishly treating the responsibility of being her full-time father like a professional pursuit or project that could be mastered. I am realizing the necessity of committing to my new identity half-way through my year “sabbatical” of being a stay-at-home dad. Although I am grateful for this break-through, I can’t help but think of how short a window you have to assume a completely new identity …and by the time you figure things out, you may just miss it all.  I gave everything I had but confident that I missed-out on a lot in the beginning.  Sometimes I wonder if my learning curve would have been shortened if I had a father (as many women have mothers) to turn to…or any other man, similarly engaged, who was able to share their wisdom derived from a similar experience.  I spoke to my mom yesterday who told me, once again, that “…it goes by in the blink of an eye.” Only this time I understood. My mom continues to comfort me with her ability to commiserate, understand, laugh with, support and encourage me. I will tell her, today, that she is the reason I have so much to give my daughter and motivates me to share this diary in hope that I can shorten the learning curve for at least one other like-minded former working dad.

The following is an edited excerpt taken from: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/identitycrisis.htm

According to Erik Erikson, an identity crisis is a time of intensive analysis and exploration of different ways of looking at oneself… His studies of cultural life among the Yurok of northern California and the Sioux of South Dakota helped formalize Erikson's ideas about identity development and identity crisis.

Erikson described identity as "a subjective sense as well as an observable quality of personal sameness and continuity, paired with some belief in the sameness and continuity of some shared world image. But it was James Marcia (1966, 1976, 1980) who expanded upon Erikson's initial theory. According to Marcia and his colleagues, the balance between identity and confusion lies in making a commitment to an identity. Marcia also developed an interview method to measure identity as well as four different identity statuses. This methods looks at three different areas of functioning: occupational role, beliefs and values and sexuality.

Identity Statuses

Identity achievement occurs when an individual has gone through an exploration of different identities and made a commitment to one.

Moratorium is the status of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities, but has not made a commitment.

Foreclosure status is when a person has made a commitment without attempting identity exploration.

Identity diffusion occurs when there is neither an identity crisis or commitment.

Researchers have found that those who have made a strong commitment to an identity tend to be happier and healthier than those who have not. Those with a status of identity diffusion tend to feel out of place in the world and don't pursue a sense of identity.

In today's rapidly changing world, identity crises are more common today than in Erikson's day. Exploring different aspects of yourself in the different areas of life, including your role at work, within the family, and in romantic relationships, can help strengthen your personal identity.

Due Dilligence: Taking Great Activity Ideas Home

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Although I’m a big fan of spending time at the local pet store (AKA: The Free Zoo) and going on “Playground Tour 2012”…There are a lot of other things to do in the area.

This week, one of my best friends Jeff (who is also a professional Daddy) re-introduced me to Longwood Gardens. Like many other places I’ve visited as a childless-man, I was surprised to learn that there was a “children’s section”.

Longwood has an exhibit in the Indoor Children’s Garden “…filled with intricate water features, handcrafted artisan elements and engaging horticultural displays that invite children into an imaginative world all their own.” - www.longwoodgardens.org

Located in the center of these awe inspiring displays is a large stone fountain adorned with hand-carved dragons and surrounded by slate-tiled walls. A collection of buckets and small wooden-handled paintbrushes are made available for children for them to “paint” everything from the fountain itself to the cement floor beneath it…with water as the "paint" that temporarily darkens the surfaces.

As someone with large rocks lining their driveway and approximately 60’ of flagstone along their front walk, I immediately recognized the beauty of this interactive exhibit. The quick-drying “paint” motivates the children to continually create new designs or re-do patterns that have just faded… until you have to drag them away.

Needless to say… I bought 3 cheap paintbrushes at Sherwin Williams yesterday and am looking forward to Catherine’s reaction when I break them out this weekend.

So much easier to steal GREAT ideas from someone else than to think of them yourself. Whenever I’m at a loss for fun things to do, I guess I just need to get out with the openness to re-discover places and things I thought I knew.

Reminds me of the classic cure for “writer's block”.

Good Money After Bad? - Our Dog's 2nd Surgery (canis secretariat familiaris)

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After a couple of difficult months, our 1yr old Newfoundland (Lulu) was ready to take her rehab to the final step: Aqua Therapy. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief, not only because Lulu was getting better, but because this meant we would be able to take-up the grey non-slip indoor-outdoor carpeting I had duct-taped to the hardwood floors throughout our downstairs. We hated those strips of carpeting. It made our home look like it was under construction. We got so accustomed to them though...that, until we noticed people staring at them, we would forgot to explain the reason for them being there. 

So the moment we walk through the door to the Physical Therapy Center, she immediately dropped to the floor and began yelping in pain.  Literally, the second she walked through the door. This dog never yelps or cries out in pain. It was like the Kennedy Assassination sans grassy knoll….or any gunmen…but just a sudden and equally significant. Just as the therapist guessed, it was another torn ACL and although we said “this is it.” after the last one...we decided that, in light of i) all the effort and expense we already put in ii)Catherine’s developing attachment iii) the fact that she was only a year old and would likely recover well because of that...perhaps it wouldn’t be good money after bad.

So we decided to repeat the whole damn process of getting a TPLO for her other leg. Only this time we decided to bring in some part-time help because I’m not the goddamned Dog Whisperer!

Enter an amazing professional dog therapist and walker named Meagan. Meagan really is a huge help but now puts the number of house staff in excess of the people actually living here... which makes it kinda feel like we're not really managing things that well.

The Long Tail: Sacrificing Career For Family

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"I don't know any other father that does what you do."

 –My Mom


Shortly after the birth of our daughter my mother was utterly amazed that I cut the cord. When she (and most women of her generation) gave birth, men were not even permitted in the delivery room. Fathers-to-be paced the halls outside the waiting room until it was time to dole out cigars.

More and more women are sacrificing their social lives during their 20s and early 30s to continue their education and/or professional experience in lieu of settling down for a life like their mothers'. Today's ambitious women seem to be faced with a choice between the promise of a happy connected family or a powerful rewarding career. Positions of prestige once exclusive to young men who identify themselves and their worth by accomplishment and acquisition alone, are now within a woman’s reach as well...and the diving lines between the sexes are fading faster than a photo of Marty McFly before the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance.

Age-old gender roles, first popularized by our ancestral hunter-gatherers, are evolving.  It is the Indian Summer of a modern era in which women not only bring unique skill-sets to the table but often higher EQs as well. With an aptitude for complex problem solving and technical ability equal to that of a man's; woman are collectively extending their reach for the golden rungs. The result? An increasing number of women today (40%) are earning larger salaries than their male counterparts and are more commonly finding their way into executive leadership roles.

Anne Marie Slaughter is a professor of Politics and International Affairs at Princeton University and formerly the Dean of the Woodrow Wilson School. She also served as Director of Policy & Planning for the State Department. I had never heard of her until coming across a piece she wrote in The Atlantic entitled: “Why Women Still Can’t Have it All”. The July/August issue of Princeton Alumni Weekly Magazine (AKA: PAW) featured her follow-up perspective which discusses the responses she received from fellow Princetonians entitled: ”You Can’t Have it All” Although the subject matter is regarding working women, a lot of it translates directly to stay-at-home dads whose life-altering decisions to be with their children is (contrary to what I’ve been reading) similarly dismissed both socially and professionally as  a sign of weakness and lack of ambition.

The following excerpts are my favorites:

“…I have been consistently congratulated for making career choices that reflect great ambition, but often come at the expense of personal relationships…On the occasions that I do reveal the most important motivation behind my move, I am often met with subtle but noticeable eye rolls or worse, patronizing lectures…No more do I want to be unemployed than do I want to be the power woman who goes home after work to eat moo shu pork alone in her apartment. Why then should I be proud of investing in one goal, and be embarrassed of investing in the other?...Princeton taught me well how to succeed and how to value professional ambition. But after the cutthroat Ivy League environment, I am trying to teach myself to value relationships. Ironically, the only way I can do this is by looking at my relationships as a professional goal, the only thing I know how to attain.”   -Cale Salih ‘10

“Few things rival the deep satisfaction of having a profession that you love and have mastered. But one of those few things is the joy of deep connection to those we love...so why should we look [only] to the professional as the principle yardstick of prestige?”    -Nannerl Keohane: Former President of Duke and Wellesley

“As a society, as a university, we say we value family. But when women (or  men) choose family over professional promotion, they very often are devalued…I certainly am not suggesting that we should devalue professional ambition. But people must have the option of pursuing a different but equally respected path where we see them as peers who are investing equally…”      -Anne-Marie Slaughter ‘80